Blood Omen Street
by Jazzmaster
Summary: All the LOK characters live in the same street with bizarre consequences. I finally updated as per request. COMPLETE!
1. Welcome to Blood Omen Street

NOTE: As much as I would like you all to believe otherwise, I do not own Legacy of Kain or any of it's characters.  
  
Blood Omen Lane  
  
Chapter 1 - Welcome to Blood Omen Lane - In which Kain arrives and meets some old friends...  
  
Blood Omen Lane, often referred to as 'BO' Lane, had a long history of unusual activity. Centuries ago, it was a regular occurrence for the sky to open up and eat people. Decades ago, a band of mercenaries arrived in the town and were all brutally murdered by a sweet-looking young girl. Weeks ago a normally mild-mannered man sent an old woman down the wrong road to the Post office. And seconds ago, the vampire Kain had arrived.  
  
  
  
I surveyed the street and began my usual voice over. Strange that none of the inhabitants had come out to greet me. Perhaps though, it would have been stranger if they had, since no one was expecting me.  
  
"I've been expecting you, Kain."  
  
Kain looked around and saw his old enemy Mortanius.  
  
"You... what are you doing here?" asked Kain coldly. "And why are you much more... alive than when I last left you?"  
  
"I came back using the dragonballs and I live here Kain, as do you now," said Mortanius. "You see Kain, destiny has brought us both here. Soon a cataclysmic series of events will..."  
  
"Oh piss off Mortanius. I want to get settled in my home quickly. I have important plans for the evening."  
  
With that I walked past Mortanius and proceeded quickly to my new home. Yes, I had important plans... Buffy the Vampire Slayer was coming on and I did not want to miss it. I looked at my new home - number 13. Unlucky for some, ha ha ha ha.  
  
However I had rather intended it to be unlucky for those around me rather than for me. As I entered a large section of the roof had fallen on my head. Good job I was a vampire, or else I might have died yet again.  
  
  
  
Mobius sat in his home thinking evil thoughts. 'Kain... Raziel... nasty death.... buttered scones....' he thought to himself. For now things were not going in his favour. Vorador owned the only scary building on the street leaving he - an evil villain - in a nicely decorated house. Fully furnished! A clean bathroom! And Kain, accursed Kain, had the skill of voice over he longed to possess. Soon though, yes soon, the tide would turn. In the meantime he put on a Limp Bizkit CD.  
  
  
  
Kain heard a knock on the door and went to answer it. If it was Mortanius there would be hell to pay. It wasn't.  
  
"Kain, I knew you would answer. I can see the future, you know," crooned the Oracle of Nosgoth, Mobius.  
  
"Didn't I kill you?" asked Kain.  
  
"Come Kain, everyone in Nosgoth comes back from the dead."  
  
"I cut your fucking head off!"  
  
"Yes, Kain, but now I am undead."  
  
"What, are you a vampire or what?"  
  
"No, Kain, I am a leper."  
  
"Lepers aren't undead! Look, what do you want? You are interrupting my... special time."  
  
"The signposts mark the path to hell, Kain. Your path!" With that the Oracle walked away. Kain peered his head outside and noticed a whole bunch of big signs pointing in the same direction and saying things like 'This way to hell' 'You're heading the right way to hell', 'Please visit hell, this way!'  
  
I decided that things probably were not going to advance much if I did not follow the signs. After all, that generally seemed to be the way things worked. I could in previous adventures have gone home and had a cup of tea or something, but for some reason things didn't seem to work like that.. I sighed and followed the signs.  
  
As Kain walked down the street two young boys came over to him.  
  
"Hey mister, who are you?" said one of them. Kain rather felt like ripping the boys' throats out, but held back. It would perhaps be impolite to do so on his first day here.  
  
"I am Kain."  
  
"Kane? WWE's Kane?"  
  
"No not that Kane..."  
  
"Wow, so that's what you look like without the mask!"  
  
"No..."  
  
"You don't look quite as strong in person though..."  
  
"Listen you little shit I am not a wrestler I am an evil vampire and I have every intent on murdering every human on this street and I will start with you if you don't get out of here right now!" snapped Kain.  
  
As the little bastards ran home I continued my journey. As I reached the end of the journey I saw a rather large house that could perhaps be considered frightening by some but not quite "hell" I should imagine. I walked to the front door. I did not knock. I entered and prepared to confront what lay inside. 


	2. Raziel Arrives

Chapter 2 - Raziel Arrives - In which, well, Raziel arrives and Kain meets Vorador.  
  
  
  
Blood Omen street had not always been known as Blood Omen Street. In days past it was known simply as Blood Street, the name shortened to 'BS' street. The Omen had been added to the street some hundred years ago by a man named eh, John, I think his name was... quite a funny story really. One day John after a hard day of being a Morris Dancer... well on second thoughts you probably had to be there.  
  
  
  
I arrived finally at the end (or beginning?) of Blood Omen Street. For months I had been relentlessly perusing my prey - Kain. Confusingly both Kain and I could use voice over in this story... I mean uh, no... I decided to stop ruining the atmosphere and headed towards Kain's abode.  
  
  
  
Of course, Raziel was unaware of the fact that Kain was elsewhere. Kain had just entered the home of Vorador, who stood before him now.  
  
"Hello Kain, I'll tell you what's wrong, And I'll do it all by means of a song, Follow the rules and we'll get along fine I'll even let you around to dine, To feast in the halls down the corridor Here at the home of Vorador.  
  
In this Street we go at night, Red Sky is a Shepard's delight, Here on BO we respect our betters We do not read their private letters Do not make a nosily din Do not rummage in my bin..."  
  
I listened for some 23 minutes and 47 seconds as Vorador continued his pathetic song. Quite what the hell had happened to him to make him like this was unclear. Maybe having your head cut off was even more traumatic than I had thought.  
  
"What are you doing Vorador?. Last time I checked vampires did not sing and dance like cissies."  
  
"Yes Kain, but the years of isolation have damaged my mind."  
  
"You live in a populated street in a populated town in a populated world."  
  
"Oh yeah. But you see Kain, the years of savage treatment, cruel rejection by the humans has made me go insane."  
  
"What have they done to you, Vorador?" I wondered what vile atrocities had been committed on the vampire.  
  
"They made fun of my big ears, Kain."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're looking at them now, I can see the smirk on your face... damn it I hate them! With their small ears and non-green skin. Stop laughing Kain! Stop it!"  
  
"I'm not laughing!"  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
I wondered what had happened to the once strong and proud Vorador. Perhaps Mortanius or Mobius had done something to him... or perhaps he really was worried about his ears. I mean, they were HUGE!  
  
  
  
  
  
Mortanius lay on his bed as the Exorcist prepared to remove the demon.  
  
"What exactly is this demon's name?" asked the Exorcist.  
  
"Hasha-pasha-pisha-something. Look just call him Hash okay? We don't need to get to know him by his full name. I mean, he's about to be exorcised isn't he? I cannot possibly see this failing in any way whatsoever."  
  
Just then Mortanius changed into a huge demon who ate the Exorcist whole. Then he changed back to Mortanius.  
  
"Damn," said Mortanius.  
  
  
  
Kain was heading home when suddenly he spotted Raziel standing outside his house. Kain snuck up behind him, folded his arms, coughed, then pretended he had been expecting him all along, when in fact he had believed the little bastard to be gone for all eternity in the plug hole of souls.  
  
"Hello Raziel," said Kain.  
  
At this point both appeared to want to do voice-overs, which almost caused the end of the world. As it was, it just caused a bit of confusion.  
  
I looked at Raziel and wondered why, even though he wanted to kill me so badly, I never seemed to be in the least bit annoyed by it. I mean, anyone else and I would have torn their head's off.  
  
I looked at Kain and wondered why, even though I wanted to kill him so badly, I never did. Why in fact was I standing here about to discuss the matter with him? Why didn't we just fight?  
  
"Raziel please come in to my home... can I offer you some tea?" said Kain.  
  
"None of your tricks Kain. You will die here."  
  
At this point the ghost of Ariel appeared.  
  
"You must kill Kain now Raziel," she moaned.  
  
"Oh fuck off Ariel. It is amazing how you have the ability to talk and NEVER GET LISTENED TO," said Kain.  
  
Ariel went off, tears in her eyes.  
  
Raziel went to strike Kain, but Kain vanished before him. Raziel turned as Mobius walked towards him.  
  
"Not yet, Raziel, not yet... but the time of Kain's undoing is near. Why do you think we have gathered here in this street, all of us? It is destiny Raziel. You shall soon see..." 


	3. Love is in the Air

Chapter 3 - Love is in the Air - In which Kain falls in love and Raziel seeks answers  
  
  
  
Love is everywhere, even in Blood Omen Street. Many great love affairs had swept the street. But love can often fall apart. In BO street, this was of course a regular occurrence. Marriages had been ended by death, infidelity, falling out of love, people discovering their 'true selves', among others. The main reason for marriages ending on BO street though was discovering that your lover was really a demon from another dimension who really really wanted to grab hold of your heart and not let go...  
  
  
  
  
  
"I am one evil bastard!" yelled Kain one morning. "I am going to take over this street! Isn't that right Mr Ted?" Kain asked his teddy bear. It was a small brown bear, with a small tear in it and one eye about to fall off. "Death to all!" screamed an enraged Kain.  
  
  
  
  
  
Raziel entered the local shop in search of the latest issue of 'Style and Success'. He was rather surprised to see that Ariel was the shopkeeper.  
  
"What are you doing in this place, spectre?" asked Raziel.  
  
"My soul is trapped in this place for all eternity," moaned the ghost.  
  
"Then how the hell did you get out the other night to talk to me about killing Kain?" quizzed Raziel.  
  
"I uh, don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Okay then, why do you want me to kill Kain so much?"  
  
"i have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."  
  
"Really? Why are you trapped in this shop then? Shouldn't you be trapped at the Pillars of Nosgoth?"  
  
"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about." Raziel sighed now and gave up.  
  
"Fine, just tell me where the new issue of 'Style and Success' is then."  
  
"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."  
  
  
  
  
  
Kain was ready.  
  
  
  
I decided to myself that it was time for action. I was an ambitious person, always had been and now it was my ambition to conquer Blood Omen Street. Mobius, Mortanius, Vorador and Raziel could well pose a challenge, but I was sure that I was more than up to the task. I decided to kick things off by walking up and down the street randomly murdering people who walked by.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kain stood in the shadows, waiting for his first innocent victim to come past. He could hear footsteps - the poor unsuspecting fool, like a lamb to the slaughter. He leapt out from hiding, right into the Sarafan Lord.  
  
"Oh dear," said Kain, before being brutally killed (again.)  
  
  
  
I awoke to a new existence... well actually it was just the same as before, except some stupid woman was standing at my bedside.  
  
"Hello Kain," said Umah.  
  
I had a feeling of Deja-Vu, or was it.. lust? Hard to tell after just being killed.  
  
"What happened?" asked Kain.  
  
"You were killed by the Sarafan Lord, but Vorador and I restored you to life."  
  
"How did you manage that then?"  
  
"We used the Dragonballs."  
  
"There aren't any Dragonballs on Nosgoth! Why does everyone seem to keep getting resurrected by them?"  
  
"Oh wait - that's right - there aren't any. So actually we haven't revived you at all."  
  
"Wait a min-" said Kain before dying (yet again.)  
  
  
  
  
  
I awoke to - wait just a minute what the hell is going on here?  
  
"Hello Kain," said Umah.  
  
I had a fe-  
  
"Right, now what the hell has happened?" Kain asked angrily.  
  
"We revived you using the Heart of Darkness," said Umah.  
  
I was not entirely convinced, but this time decided it best not to pursue the matter further. The woman in front of me now was - attractive. Well, I mean, compared to the other girls around she was. She didn't have as much skin hanging off her and stuff. And she wasn't a ghost. I decided I was in love.  
  
  
  
Raziel exited the store, still with no answers. Mobius appeared again, no doubt ready for more mindless babble.  
  
"You want answers Raziel, but what are the questions for these answers and what are the answers for these questions, and why when I answer questions correctly do I not win prize money like on that old millionaire programme, and why when you receive answers do you get five more questions?" asked Mobius. Raziel thought for a moment.  
  
"Sorry... what was the question?"  
  
"Go to the labyrinth to the north of this street Raziel. There you will find The Master. Only he can provide you with the answers you seek."  
  
"But surely you know almost everything?"  
  
"Eh... another question eh, Raziel? Well The Master has the answers."  
  
"Why won't you tell me and save me the trip?"  
  
"Um... um... I think THE MASTER can answer that question for you."  
  
"YOU ANSWER YOU LITTLE SHIT!"  
  
"Oh my, is that the time, I really must be going... seek THE MASTER!" said Mobius before disappearing in a puff of smoke.  
  
  
  
Although I wasn't in the mood for a mad journey to and then through a labyrinth I decided it was the only way I was going to find the answers I was looking for. Perhaps this 'Master' could provide them... 


	4. The AllKnowing Master

Chapter 4 - The All-Knowing Master - In which Raziel meets with the Master and everyone realises just how pointless the bits where I say what this chapter is about is because it's already in the title or at the very least they could actually just read the fic and work it out anyway. By the way, I still don't own LOK and I don't own the special guest who appears in this chapter. I don't even own myself.  
  
  
  
  
  
The Master... many inhabitants of Blood Omen Street claimed it was he who built the street. Quite how one man could build an entire street was unclear and not really thought about. He was now mostly nothing more than a myth, an old story told for no real reason other than to make inane conversation. But one thing was for sure, it wasn't just a self indulgent excuse for the author to appear in the story.  
  
  
  
"I AM GREAT!" Kain shouted at Umah, who had married Kain and now lived with him. She had wanted to refuse, but got the impression that he would kill her if she had. "UMAH!"  
  
"Yes, Kain?" said Umah.  
  
"TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM!"  
  
Umah sighed and began telling him AGAIN.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile poor Raziel was making the long trek to the labyrinth, making note of random locations he couldn't access so that he could come back to them later for no apparent reason. The trek wouldn't be taking half as long if he didn't keep getting stopped by homeless giant walking talking blocks.  
  
"Spare change, mister?"  
  
"For the last time NO, now leave me alone!"  
  
Finally I arrived at the labyrinth and as I arrived I looked to my left and saw a bus stopping just outside. I swore as I realised I could have just taken that instead. Now though I ventured inside, unsure of exactly what awaited me.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Where have all my good powers gone?" Kain asked Umah. "Why can't I turn into a wolf or a bat or cast all the spells I could before?"  
  
"Er... but now you have better gifts Kain."  
  
"What, the Whisper? All I can do with that is talk to vampires, which means stupid Vorador... and er, you, of course, dear..."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Welcome to the labyrinth, enjoy your stay," said a rather depressed sounding woman as Raziel entered.  
  
"Excuse me, where can I find the Master?" asked Raziel.  
  
"You think I can just tell you? You have to make your own way. Enjoy your stay."  
  
I walked past the woman and into a series of maze-like corridors. Suddenly a strange bald man leapt out at me.  
  
"A physical challenge, eh Raziel? Well come this way, this way." The bald man lead me to a room, threw me in and bolted the door. I was unsure of what was going on. "Do you see a block in front of you?"  
  
"Yes." I replied, still insure of what the meaning of this was. The question was quite stupid. There was a ruddy great block right in the centre of the room, of course I could see it.  
  
"Move it into position Raziel, hurry, hurry, two minutes, two minutes left!"  
  
I moved the block around the room while the man outside played a harmonica. As the block went into place a crystal fell out of somewhere.  
  
"Get the crystal!" yelled the bald man. "30 seconds!"  
  
I took the crystal and ran outside.  
  
"Well done, well done," said the bald man.  
  
  
  
  
  
Leaving Umah, Kain went on the hunt for the Sarafan Lord. No-one killed Kain and got away with it. So he killed anyone in his way until Ariel appeared in front of him.  
  
"Kain... you refused the sacrifice."  
  
"Oh piss off Ariel, what the hell are you upset for anyway? 'The choice is yours Kain' and all that crap, and then when I choose to condemn one teeny tiny world..."  
  
"Eh... you refused the sacrifice!" said Ariel before disappearing rather quickly.  
  
"And next time I'll be calling the Ghostbusters!" shouted Kain.  
  
  
  
  
  
After several more challenges like this the bald man said I had enough crystals to meet the Master and he took me to a door before running away while playing his harmonica. I looked at the door and prepared to enter. I was excited at meeting someone with the knowledge of the Master. This man could tell me many things, the significance of us being on this street, why everyone wanted me to kill Kain, and why 'Farscape' had been cancelled.  
  
As I entered I was disappointed to learn that the all-knowing Master was in fact, just 'Jazzmaster'. The room looked like some kind of dungeon and I noticed several people had been chained to the wall and were being forced to read and review his story.  
  
"Hello Raziel," said the Master.  
  
"So, you are the writer of this story?" asked Raziel.  
  
"Yes, I'm writing this right now."  
  
I wondered just how few ideas this 'writer' had when he was resorting to this.  
  
"So tell me, what is Mobius' big scheme, why are we all on this street, why do both Kain and I have voice-overs, why does everyone want me to kill Kain and why was Farscape cancelled?"  
  
"I can't tell you all that, it's a big surprise. Except for the Farscape thing, I mean, it's not really relevant. I don't even like Farscape that much. I don't know why it's been brought up."  
  
"So you refuse to give me any answers then?"  
  
"No, it would spoil the story. I mean, look at how many people are enjoying it."  
  
I looked at the rather ill-looking people Jazzmaster had chained up.. They began moaning "please no more" over and over.  
  
"You don't know, do you? You're making things up as you go along."  
  
Jazzmaster began sweating now and looked very uncomfortable.  
  
"I eh, um, of course not... but now you're out of here."  
  
Before he could write me out of the story I activated the Soul Reaver and forced it right through the man, killing him instantly. Exactly how the story would continue now I had murdered the author was unclear, but I suspected there was more to come... 


	5. Winner Take All

Chapter 5 - Winner take All - In which everyone gets in a bit of trouble...  
  
  
  
Mobius sat in his time chamber (bedroom) watching Raziel walk back. He'd waited an hour for the bus but it hadn't arrived so he had left on foot. The bus passed Raziel 1 minute later, causing the poor guy to shout and scream with rage.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kain had hunted the Sarafan Lord down. Oh now the son of a bitch would have hell to pay. The Sarafan Lord was staying in a small bed and breakfast, since hunting down vampires for a living didn't really pay very well. Kain barged on in.  
  
"Where's the Sarafan bastard!?" he asked the man at the desk.  
  
"Upstairs in his room," said the man at the desk, who really didn't need this right now. Kain murdered him anyway, just for fun, then went upstairs. He opened the door and jumped through.  
  
"Ha! Got you now!"  
  
The Sarafan Lord turned around.  
  
"What are you talking about? I killed you last time with no problems whatsoever. I still have the Soul Reaver, you don't have the Nexus stone, you don't really have a chance."  
  
"Ah, yeah... made a slightly premature move coming here then, didn't I? Oops."  
  
The Sarafan Lord beheaded Kain then burned his body so that THIS time Kain would not return.  
  
  
  
Mobius cackled as he watched Kain's demise. Finally the vampire was gone. All he had to do know was kill Vorador and Umah and the vampires would be gone. He couldn't have realised that Vorador could re-grow his head the way he had. He wouldn't make that mistake again, oh no.  
  
  
  
  
  
Vorador cursed as the Sarafan broke down his door and killed him. He knew he should have gotten rid of those green globes that led right up to where he lived.  
  
  
  
  
  
Umah sat waiting for Kain when she was suddenly turned into dust by a freak bolt of lightning. Still, no great loss.  
  
  
  
  
  
Janos flew in to Blood Omen Street. He already knew he was too late. Mobius had already killed Vorador and Kain. He rushed to Mobius' home. Now he was the last hope of the planet. After breaking down the door he rushed up to the time chamber (bedroom) to confront Mobius.  
  
"I've been expecting you, Janos," said Mobius.  
  
"I was expecting you were expecting me," said Janos. "Now I will kill you."  
  
"Couldn't you just let me go? I'm very sorry for what I did."  
  
"Well, if you're sorry, then sure I'll let you go."  
  
Janos moved in to hug Mobius and as he did the time-streamer plunged a stake into his heart.  
  
"HA HA HA, you fool! Now all the vampires are dead and my plan is complete!"  
  
Suddenly, Angel from Buffy and well, Angel appeared.  
  
"No, not all the vampires. None of the LOK cast could stop you, but I can!"  
  
Before he could strike Angel was turned to dust. Buffy stepped forward.  
  
"I never did like you. Mobius is the only man for me!" she said.  
  
Then the sky opened up. Killing all the vampires had somehow enabled the Hylden to return. Mobius began dancing and celebrating before making love to Buffy.  
  
"I won!" said Mobius.  
  
Blood Omen Street was destroyed by the Hylden who had now returned to reclaim the earth. Mobius had a big party and declared himself "King of the World."  
  
Raziel arrived back to see a mass of destruction everywhere.  
  
"Well, did I miss anything?" he asked. 


End file.
